last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Every concussion has its silver lining
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
