I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
