I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
