she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
