mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
