Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Randomize
