I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
