And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
