Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
