he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
