every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
