I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
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he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
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Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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