Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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