Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
