Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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