you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
