please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
So apparently I’m into choking now
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
