I never want to see another naked old woman again.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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