I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I love having hate sex.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
