Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I could have mohawked her pubes.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
