Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
