i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
