I wish I could teleport
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
