Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
