I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
