You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
