i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
