this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
