I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
