i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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