you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
