make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
