I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
