I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
