I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
