if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
