You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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