Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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