I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
