I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I need a beard to bite.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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