Umm I'm too high to move.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize