You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
