dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
