Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
