Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
