I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
