What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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