I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
