If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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