My friends, they love my intelligence
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
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Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
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Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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