I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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