I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
sarcasm needs its own font
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
