I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
