It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
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Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
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Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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