so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
