The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
