As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
